


Tired.

by SinisterAmix



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: M/M, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-25
Updated: 2013-10-25
Packaged: 2017-12-30 11:01:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1017813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SinisterAmix/pseuds/SinisterAmix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It had always been the same. Another loop = another failure. There was no way out of this dead end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tired.

**Author's Note:**

> Some inaccuracies to note:  
> 1) Kaworu retains memory of all previous timelines.  
> 2) Evangelion piloting age is not restricted to 14.

Tired.

He was so very tired of it—of everything. He never anticipated Angels could even _get_ tired, but as Nagisa Kaworu stood outside the building of NERV headquarters, the mental and physical exhaustion from it all forced him to collapse against the wall before sinking to the ground in a debilitated mess. How many times had he suffered the consequences of his own incapability? And what was worse, he was doomed to despair in memory of every single crushing failure that was his doing. At first, he had remained optimistic. He dusted himself off and simply strolled into the next loop, making sure to not make the same mistakes. After all, one meager timeline equated to a Tokyo minute in his eyes. But now he was dangerously close to the edges of a patience once thought to be infinite.

He sighed, letting his head fall against the wall with a dull thud. He was well aware why, too. Several universes into the past, the collapse of a seemingly foolproof plan fourteen years in the making had hit him harder than any other shame he’d experienced. It’d been thrown back in his face, just the same as any other. Nothing was different. It was always the same. And Kaworu realized how infuriating it was to have a million attempts at success only to wind up with nothing to show for his efforts. Why was his one motivation always fated for tribulation? There was no reason for this pursuit of happiness to be so difficult to achieve. It wasn’t… _fair_!

Kaworu took a deep breath. That was a childish thought. Perhaps his thoughts had been so childish all along. After all, he had died time and time again seeking redemption solely for a single human being he’d hopelessly and irreversibly fallen for: Ikari Shinji. He was his motivation. In all of humanity, to Kaworu he was the diamond in the rough – a soul so worn down by the flaws and abuses of Lilim that there was damn near nothing left to polish.

He was beautiful.

The Angel smiled. It felt good to be reminded why he would never stop trying, no matter how taxing the recoil. For this boy, this forlorn bastard child of whom Kaworu referred to as the “King of Lilim”, Kaworu would keep failing if it meant Shinji would be one step closer to the happiness he truly deserved.

He stood, a little more revitalized than when he had first begun this new lifetime. He was to report to NERV as the Fifth Children today, this timeline being one of the more traditional ones. He hadn’t met this Shinji yet, which was somewhat peculiar as the two had always somehow bumped into one another earlier in the game. He was the first to arrive at the designated location. Minutes passed and eventually the First Children appeared with the Second following soon after. Shinji was nowhere to be found. Kaworu didn’t start panicking until Katsuragi Misato appeared to introduce him to the other two pilots.

Now that he thought about it, this was strange. The Second Children, Asuka Langley Sohryu, was the one he should’ve been replacing. She looked to be in perfect condition.

“Nagisa Kaworu has been chosen as the Fifth Children as well as the new pilot for Unit-01.”

What?

“Excuse me. May I ask what happened to the previous Unit-01 pilot?” he asked a bit too anxiously. Misato’s eyes fell on him with an expression that might as well had asked why he thought he was entitled to such information, but to his fortune she wound up humoring him, “He’s been temporarily transferred to America.”

This was new.

Kaworu did not press the issue further. Instead, he decided to wait. This transfer was only temporary, and soon enough he would see Shinji return.

Granted, he hadn’t expected to wait as long as two years.

In his absence, Angels did not appear. Tokyo-3 experienced a two-year period of utter peace. It was something that had never happened in any other timeline, and Kaworu had to wonder what specific trigger had changed it all. Now sixteen, he, Asuka, as well as the First, Ayanami Rei, were present to watch the ship that carried Shinji dock near Tokyo-3.  He kept his gaze from hardening when Shinji’s father was the first to step off its deck, making a beeline toward Misato who stood in front of the three. Kaworu had not failed to notice his absence back at headquarters. However, none of that mattered when directly behind the King walked the Prince he’d been waiting for.

Shinji had grown taller than what Kaworu was normally accustomed to, just as he himself had. The angles of his face were sharper too and when he spoke his voice was noticeably deeper, but aside from that and the previous, he was exactly the same—still hesitant, still wistful and still seemingly prepared to step aside. For a moment, that’s what Kaworu believed, but then Shinji’s dark gaze found him. While Kaworu smiled warmly, Shinji only stared. It felt as if he were drinking him in, as though this was not his first time seeing him, but the second after a millennium. Shinji’s skin grew pale and immediately Kaworu knew something was wrong.

But then Shinji’s eyes shifted away and the teen gave Misato a gentle smile, claiming it was good to be back after so long. He did not look at Kaworu again.

With Shinji came a new EVA Unit he’d been piloting during his stay in America. However, his sync rates with it had not nearly been as high and now that he was back, Unit-01 was returned to him and Kaworu was given this new Unit-06 (not incidentally the same Unit SEELE had intended for him from the beginning). It was decided that Rei’s Unit would be temporarily locked away so as not to disturb the balance of Evangelion between the world’s superpowers, and the first thing to happen when they all returned to NERV was another sync test, with Shinji’s now the highest of them all.  After that, they were all left to their own devices. Now was Kaworu’s chance to introduce himself. In his excitement, he turned to Shinji’s plug, only to find he was already gone. That was fine. There were only so many places he could’ve run off to, or so he thought.

After checking the showers, a few more wings of the base, the school and finally Misato’s apartment itself to find no one at home, Kaworu was at a complete loss. It had never been this difficult to find him. In fact, it had always been rather predictable.

A vehicle screeched to a halt near where Kaworu had been walking resignedly down the sidewalk. As the door swung open, he recognized Asuka and another employee from NERV.

“An Angel has been sighted,” was all Asuka needed to say for Kaworu to slide into the backseat. Surely Shinji would also be reporting back at the base. Again, so he thought.

He couldn’t deny that it frustrated him when only he and Asuka stood before their Captain to be briefed on how to destroy this new Angel; it was only they who boarded their EVA’s to coordinate an attack while Unit-01 remained idle. Nevertheless, he would fulfill his duty as defense while Asuka took the opportunity to snipe it as soon as it was within range. Kaworu realized that wouldn’t be happening when he recognized their target as his daughter Arael. She was the one meant to destroy Asuka’s spirit, and Kaworu wondered if his appearance in this story had somehow been premature, yet he dismissed it. Stranger things had happened in previous loops.

He was surprised when Arael’s beam landed on him rather than Asuka during the operation, however. It had minimal effect as his AT field far outmatched her own, blocking out any psychic damage she had been meaning to cause. But then he became curious of what she was capable of, and so he lowered his AT field, just for a moment.

It was not his smartest decision by far.

He did not scream. It was not painful enough for him to cry out. Still, the weight of a million failures was not light. He dropped his head into his hands, clenching his teeth.

A voice buzzed throughout his cockpit, “Is the target within range yet?!”

The rush of Asuka’s tone signaled she knew something was happening to him.

“No. Its advance has stopped. The target is not coming any closer!” someone from NERV replied.

“What!?”

That’s right. Arael had no need of getting any closer. She would destroy humankind from right where she was in the sky.

“Hey, new kid! Are you alright?” Asuka’s face appeared beside him. He gave her a small, pained smile, “I’ll be fine. Just let her focus on me for as long as I can hold her interest.”

He meant exactly what he said. It would only be so long until Arael realized her current target as her father and quickly lose said interest. She would switch her gaze to Asuka and history would repeat itself.

“Dammit! We can’t fight it if we can’t reach it!” he heard her curse indignantly. Then he heard someone else—someone he’d rather not hear, “Back up will arrive in twenty minutes. Hold out until then.”

Never was Ikari Gendo’s voice a pleasant one to hear. He never thought he could hold such contempt for the father of the one he loved so much. Nevertheless, his concern was the time asked for. He wasn’t sure Arael would hold focus for that long, but it helped that his normal defenses were down. He decided to keep it that way in hopes it would prolong their chance at success, but he couldn’t say it was easy. The weight was definitely heavier than it was in the beginning, and it was only growing from there. After ten minutes, the trigger for the Fourth Impact began playing in his head over and over again and the pain became so real Kaworu almost felt he had become a Lilin. At that point, he couldn’t handle it anymore.

He screamed.

It stopped. Opening his eyes, he realized he’d unintentionally dispatched his AT field.

Shit.

He looked up just in time to see something red disappear in Arael’s direction. There was no time for the Angel to readjust herself when Kaworu watched her entire being explode into crimson, and it was over.

“About time, Idiot Shinji!”

Kaworu sat up straight and whipped his head around to see Unit-01 to his left, settled into a stance of someone who’d just thrown something. Eventually, it straightened itself and turned toward the other two. Shinji’s voice was hesitant, “S-Sorry. The Spear wasn’t easy to get to.”

The Angel watched as Asuka’s EVA grabbed Unit-01’s horn and jerked it, causing Shinji to cry out in panic, “Don’t give me your pathetic excuses!”

She dropped him and it was almost cute how her Unit proceeded to put its hands on its hips. Kaworu smiled, but was taken aback when Shinji righted himself to address him, “Are you alright, Nagisa-kun?”

“A-Ah…”

Misato’s voice pierced the air, “Time to come back, guys. Good job.”

At the base once again, Kaworu watched as Gendo arrived with Rei to greet his son. It was the most surreal scene to see Gendo’s hand settle on Shinji’s shoulder before all three turned to leave together. It was so surreal, Kaworu couldn’t keep himself in check.

“Ikari-kun!”

All three turned to lay their eyes on him and for the first time ever, Kaworu felt exposed. Everything was so different at this point that all he wanted was an explanation and all he could do was watch when Shinji turned to his father after a moment, “I’ll catch up with you.”

Gendo nodded stiffly, “We’re going on ahead then.”

Shinji led Kaworu to a room where they were alone. When the door closed, the boy didn’t face him. They stood in silence for a while.

“I’m glad you’re alright.”

The statement itself isn’t what caught Kaworu off guard. No. It had been stated so genuinely, so _relieved_ , it made him swallow.

Shinji turned, and his eyes were wide and searching, “I don’t know who you are, Nagisa Kaworu-kun, but just before I left for America, I started to see you in my dreams almost every night.”

Kaworu’s throat grew thick.

“And almost every night, you die.”

He noticed Shinji’s voice was shaking now.

“Sometimes I’m the one who kills you. Sometimes it’s something else. But every morning for the last two years, I’ve woken up crying and confused. …Why? I’ve never seen you before in my life, so why!?” Shinji’s voice grew louder, more desperate. Kaworu realized he had stopped breathing.

“They’re only dreams, but they feel like they actually happened. And you’re always there. Always _smiling_. Telling me it will be okay just before I’m forced to watch you die, and then it’s not okay. It’s _never_ okay! And I don’t even know why! Who are you?!” he asked with his fists clenched.

The Angel stood frozen, still without breath. His head was whirling. Oh god... He remembered him. Oh _god_ , he _remembered_ him! His dreams were memories from past timelines. How? For now, perhaps all Kaworu could do was explain.

“I—“

“Shinji-kun?”

The boys looked up to see Misato in the doorway. She glanced briefly at Kaworu before raising her eyebrows at the other teen, “Are you okay?”

Shinji blinked then quickly wiped at his eyes, “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Your father called for you,” she told him gently. Her gaze fell on Kaworu a second time, and this time it was hard. Shinji nodded, “Okay.”

He didn’t look at Kaworu again, exiting past her. Then the two were alone, and Misato didn’t look like she was going to move. Their eyes met.

“Listen, kid. I don’t like you. I never liked you since the moment I saw you. I don’t know what SEELE’s plans are sending you here, but I know their intentions aren’t anything good. So whoever you think you are, you’ll stay away from him,” her voice was low with warning, “He’s endured enough pain and disappointment. The last thing he needs is to be betrayed by some pet.”

She didn’t allow him time to respond when she turned on her heel and stepped out, leaving him alone to contemplate her words.

After that, Kaworu didn’t see Shinji again until NERV ordered him to start attending the local school and he was placed in Shinji’s class. However, they didn’t talk. Shinji met eyes with him once when he was introducing himself to everyone, but that was the first and last time. Kaworu sat in the final vacant desk at the very back while Shinji sat near the middle. At first, Kaworu spent each day thinking about what Shinji and Misato had told him, trying to make sense of every word. It took him until the end of the second week to finally make peace with it. He made his final decision.

He would make Shinji happy this time, by staying out of his life.

This was the decision he arrived at upon reflection of all the previous timelines. In each one, Shinji had made progress. He would grow more confident and more comfortable by working with NERV to prevent Third Impact, as futile as the attempt was, but what undid it all every single time was Kaworu’s existence in his life, and it was because Kaworu himself was the symbol of what fate would never allow Shinji to have. Kaworu loved him unconditionally. He thought he was beautiful despite all of his mistakes. And that made Kaworu an escape from all the responsibility. Shinji needed what Kaworu could give, but not when each time Kaworu died, Shinji’s sanctuary was ripped away. So it goes.

Armisael made her appearance right on time in relation to the last. Kaworu wondered how the battle would play out this time as Rei being absent from it while Asuka was present was a first. Armisael was always the only Angel whose death he felt remorse for, and it was because she acted out of loneliness with all the demises of her brothers and sisters. She was naïve, and only wanted another to share her pain with. Unfortunately, every EVA pilot was a primal target for that.

She attacked Shinji first. When she began to merge with him and Asuka and Kaworu found their own actions of trying to save him to be in vain, Kaworu decided he couldn’t have that. He unleashed the horrors of what his AT field could do, and let it just be said Armisael was dealt with in the most humane way he saw fit.

After that, his Unit was quarantined, NERV believing the strange AT field they saw as the EVA’s rather than Kaworu’s. Rei was returned to her own while Kaworu was suspended and scheduled for regular questioning of the event. None of that really mattered to him. He was being prompted by SEELE to start Third Impact soon.

After the second day of questioning, he left for the ground floor with his hands in his pockets as usual.

“Nagisa-kun!”

Kaworu turned to see Shinji approach him at a light jog. A ways behind him stood Gendo, who was glaring steadily at Kaworu. The Angel hated that he could never tell what he was thinking—what he was planning. Every time it was slightly different, making a mess of Kaworu’s own plans in the end.

“Mind if I walk with you?” the boy asked, panting mildly.

Kaworu opened his mouth to respond. He had to refuse him. He had to stay out of his life. It was for the best.

“Of course not,” he ended up saying. He couldn’t do it.

Shinji gave him a light smile, causing Kaworu’s heart to flutter.

Once they were out the front door, Shinji finally turned to him, “I wanted to thank you for saving me.”

His immediate response would have been “Anything for you, Ikari Shinji-kun,” but this time he was able to catch himself, “Don’t mention it. I was just doing my job.”

He needed to be cold. He needed Shinji to believe that he didn’t care even though he did. He cared more than anyone else in the world.

“I’m sorry.”

Kaworu almost tripped over himself. He wasn’t expecting that.

“I‘m sorry for yelling at you the other day,” he gave a nervous laugh, “You probably thought I was crazy saying all those things. I don’t blame you.”

Shit. Shinji was thoroughly succeeding in making this very hard to do.

Instead, he opted to change the subject, “How are you and your father doing?”

He might as well get some answers while Shinji was walking with him.

But to his surprise, Shinji did not light up like a Christmas light as he expected. In fact, he almost seemed resigned in his response, “We’re doing alright. It’s really weird. Before we left together for America, he wouldn’t give me the time of day. Now it’s like he hates when I leave his side. He… especially dislikes it when I talk to you.”

Shinji said this like it was something he’d finally noticed, but Kaworu was lost in his own thoughts from the news. Gendo was definitely going about this differently. Was Shinji’s temporary leave just when Kaworu was sent from SEELE really pure coincidence? Now that he knew this, that question seemed laughable. But now the question was why. Gendo’s intention was always to start Third Impact and trigger the Instrumentality Project, an event Kaworu was normally a key part in. But now he was trying to keep the Angel and Shinji from associating.

“Would you like to join Misato-san and me for dinner?”

Shinji simply kept throwing the poor boy off-guard with pretty much everything that came out of his mouth. He almost considered accepting the offer.

“I’m sorry. I can’t.”

“Oh… Okay.”

The disappointment in his voice made Kaworu want to smile, “I wouldn’t want to intrude, and Katsuragi-san might not appreciate my joining you.”

Shinji only nodded, but kept walking with him. Kaworu wasn’t even headed toward a particular destination. They were simply… walking.

He spoke again, “How was America? Why did you transfer?”

“It was alright. Lots of training. Americans are tougher on you over there, but it wasn’t bad. It didn’t help that I barely knew any English. Father explained that it was to better my performance as a pilot and I learned a lot of things, so I don’t regret going,” he explained lightly.

Kaworu didn’t say anything. Obviously Gendo had lied to him. It must’ve been a decision outside of SEELE’s jurisdiction.

They brushed hands and Shinji visibly bristled from the unfamiliar contact. He couldn’t help himself from smiling this time, “Trying to hold hands with me, Ikari-kun?”

“I-I-I-I—!”

“Just kidding,” he laughed. Two years and Shinji really hadn’t changed at all.

They were silent for a moment while the color of Shinji’s face returned to normal.

“Sh-… Shinji,” he paused, “Shinji is fine.”

Ah, there it was – something Kaworu waited for every timeline, only this time, Shinji was the first to say it.

“And Kaworu for me too.”

After five minutes or so of more walking together aimlessly, Kaworu stopped and turned to him, “You should go home and join Katsuragi-san for dinner. It’s getting late.”

Shinji looked like he wanted to protest. It was cute.

“I have a conference to attend,” he cut him off before he could start. It wasn’t a lie after all. SEELE was summoning him.

“Okay,” Shinji sighed in defeat. He looked back up hopefully, “Tomorrow?”

Kaworu’s smile grew without his intention. His eyes searched Shinji’s face for a few seconds. He was just as beautiful as ever. In fact, he actually seemed… somewhat happier than in all the timelines beforehand, and Kaworu grudgingly wondered if it was because of the sudden false attention his father was giving him.

His shoulders slumped and he gave in, lightly grasping Shinji’s hand with his own, and while he was momentarily put off, Kaworu leaned in and lightly pecked him on the cheek. He stepped back before the boy could flail around in alarm, but he didn’t. Rather, his hand merely shot up to the place Kaworu’s lips had touched and his face was redder than ever before. It was a much more mature response than what he would’ve done when they were fourteen.

Kaworu’s smile didn’t falter, “Maybe.”

He continued on his merry way, humming Ode to Joy.

After that day, Kaworu started avoiding Shinji as much as humanly possible. He couldn’t risk getting any closer to him, though the other teen certainly wasn’t making it an easy task. It seemed as if the tables had suddenly turned and all Shinji ever did was try to catch him in conversation while Kaworu gave him excuse after excuse. In one more extreme case, Kaworu actually hopped out the second story window of the school to avoid passing Shinji in the hallway. Perhaps it would’ve been more effective to behave more abrasively so Shinji wasn’t so persistent.

Nevertheless, the day came when SEELE appeared to inform Kaworu that it was time, and the Angel wanted nothing more than to laugh in their faceless, stone surfaces. “Time to merge with Adam, Tabris,” they had told him. Adam’s corpse was never the one he would find upon infiltrating NERV, and Kaworu was never certain whether SEELE expected this or not. All that awaited him in Terminal Dogma was Lilith, but after “discovering” that, Kaworu had no idea what could possibly await him other than death by Shinji’s hand. In all other timelines, he’d never even considered that there might be another decision, another path to take, because surely there wasn’t one that wouldn’t lead to him triggering Third Impact, right?

He nodded at his own thoughts. That was right. There was surely no other choice. Besides, he hadn’t prepared this timeline at all because now Shinji could kill him without all the suffering that followed. That had to be good enough for now, at least until his next loop.

He made his way to NERV. He would steal Asuka’s EVA again, and everything would go as planned. He knew Shinji could do it. It was all he could think about when he reached the front entrance.

“Kaworu-kun?”

The Angel froze.

Speak of the devil …

Slowly, he tilted his head back and closed his eyes, taking a deep, much needed breath. He was so _close_.

“And he shall appear,” he muttered.

At the sound of footsteps, he reopened his eyes and turned his head to see Shinji approach him hesitantly. He was alone, and Kaworu speculated whether the teen had actually been standing there waiting for him.

“What are you doing here? Are they still questioning you?” he asked curiously. Kaworu shoved his hands into his pockets and forced a smile, “Yeah, I guess you could say that.”

Shinji looked troubled. No, actually… it looked like he knew something wasn’t right—like he knew Kaworu was lying. He dipped his head and lowered his voice, “What are you really doing here, Kaworu-kun?”

The smile was momentarily wiped from the Angel’s face, then he tried to regain his composure, “I was called back in. To be honest, I’m not even sure what’s going on.”

The look on Shinji’s face alone told him he wasn’t budging. Maybe it was time to adopt that “abrasive” attitude. …How did one act abrasive again?

“Kaworu-kun—“

“Why the hell do you even care? You don’t even know me,” he cut him off with a shrug. Wait, his tone was definitely too calm and he was still smiling. Shinji looked taken aback though, so that was something.

He tried to harden his face, “Quit annoying me. This doesn’t concern you.”

Nailed it.

His fellow pilot was staring at him. Perhaps that meant he had won? If he was fortunate, Shinji maybe even hated him now. When he studied his face, Kaworu decided that yes, that was definitely the case. Perfect.

“Don’t do it.”

Egh?

Shinji’s expression had changed just a tad. Now he looked a little desperate.

Kaworu said nothing.

“Whatever it is you’re thinking about doing, don’t do it,” Shinji repeated bluntly.

This was weirdly… bold of him.

Regardless, this was getting painful. Kaworu fished for some other kind of abrasive retort. When he found it, he turned away from him to make for the door again, “You’re crazy…”

For a second, Kaworu thought that he might’ve been successful.

“No!”

He was wrong, apparently.

Shinji had grabbed one of his arms from behind. They stood in silence in front of the base, then Kaworu felt something on his back. Shinji’s forehead had fallen onto his spine, just below his neck.

“Don’t leave…”

Before Kaworu had found the strength to respond, he felt Shinji slowly begin to slide down his body. His eyes widened when he heard a pair of knees hit the concrete, and then Shinji was embracing him around the waist, forehead still pinned to his lower back.

“Not again…” Shinji whispered desperately, “Not this time…”

In that moment, even though Kaworu couldn’t even see him, he felt as if Shinji was more exposed than he had ever been. There, on his knees, Shinji was nakedly begging him not to go, and even though he had no idea what Kaworu had been intending to do, he probably had the worst feeling that whatever it was, nothing would be the same afterward. Not to mention his words felt like a million spears piercing the Angel’s chest. One of Shinji’s hands lifted to grasp at Kaworu’s shirt over his stomach while he buried his face further into the small of his back. He was clutching him so hard Kaworu could feel him trembling.

None of that carried the same weight as Shinji’s words though.

“Not this time, huh…?” Kaworu’s chin fell forward and he closed his eyes. He wondered if the happiness he felt was somehow twisted. Shinji remembered him – something that has never happened before. But because he remembered him, he was also suffering. Staying out of Shinji’s life so as to avoid his undoing, in this time loop at least, was impossible.

He lifted a hand to grasp the one Shinji had rested on his stomach. It was incredibly tense. Perhaps it was because Shinji didn’t trust him enough to budge even a little, terrified that he would slip away at the smallest hint of give.

“What will make you happy, Shinji-kun?” he asked hesitantly.

The boy paused, “What?”

“The happiness you desire,” Kaworu elaborated, “What would it take?”

There was a period of silence. The Angel briefly wondered if Shinji was even going to give him an answer after a full minute ticked by, then he felt the grip on him loosen and Shinji shifted a bit, “I don’t know what kind of answer you want me to give. I’ve never given things like “true happiness” much thought. It seems like all I’ve ever known is how to be a pilot to protect everyone from Angels. I don’t even really understand what Angels are or why they attack us except that Misato-san and my father want me to kill them no matter what. For some reason… it feels like I was born to do it.”

Something clicked in Kaworu’s mind that he immediately wished hadn’t.

Shinji felt like he was born to kill Angels. Kaworu was an Angel. Shinji was born to kill Angels. Shinji was _born_ to _kill Angels_. Kaworu was an _Angel meant to die_. And in every single timeline, Kaworu had said—

“I really was born to meet you…”

Of course, Kaworu had already known this, unconsciously if anything, but with all his defiant thinking and repressed thoughts, the irony in making this connection didn’t hurt any less. His chest felt pain more than it ever had before, and for the first time _ever_ , he found himself resenting _Shinji_. Kaworu had always resented the world. He resented it because although all of its flaws fascinated him, it was also infinitely frustrating that it could not be fixed. The Angels’ purpose was to create perfection and unity, and Lilim wouldn’t allow that. Lilim deviated from that purpose. It was like Shinji and Kaworu represented this entire conflict, and by fate, they were always meant to. Now it was clear, and all Kaworu could do was resent the fact that no matter what, every single time, Shinji would always find him. And every single time, Kaworu would fall for him. And _every single time_ , Shinji would kill him. Be it directly or indirectly, Shinji would always have to kill Kaworu because the Eighteenth Angel was designed to be the last and _only_ Angel. Every. Single. Time.

“I don’t know what would make me happy anymore,” Shinji continued suddenly, “I liked to think that I used to have some idea, but now I’ve realized that I’m really just that ignorant.

“But if it counts, right now,” he pressed his forehead further into Kaworu’s back and took a deep breath, “All I want is for Kaworu-kun to stay alive.”

The Angel gave a jolt as though he’d been hit square in the chest.

“With me.”

Kaworu felt something he had never felt before then. Something weird was happening to his face. His head pulsed and felt like it was being filled with something he couldn’t define. Suddenly he was… wet.

His free hand shot up and he realized what he was touching must’ve been what the Lilim called tears. He had never cried before. He had seen Shinji cry plenty of times before, but never had he himself cried. It had never been… necessary. His body was trembling involuntarily and he started to panic. Next came the feeling of suffocation which didn’t make sense because he didn’t even need to breathe. His throat made a noise that wasn’t intentional and it took him a second to realize it was a sob. He let his face fall into his hand and his eyes were wide as the tears continued to fall out of his control. Then he was being turned around and he could barely register that Shinji was pulling him into his arms. He hadn’t even noticed that Shinji had gotten up or that his hand had slipped out of Kaworu’s.

“Why…?”

It was unclear whether his question was directed at Shinji as a response to his answer, even to Kaworu himself.

“Because Kaworu-kun makes me happy.”

The Angel sobbed again, harder this time.

“I don’t care if it sounds selfish. I know I’m being selfish. But I’m not going to watch you die again,” Shinji’s voice was defiant when he said this. Kaworu felt him pull away, but it was only just enough for the boy to press their foreheads together, “I’m going to protect you.”

Kaworu felt himself break.

This wasn’t fair.

…That was a childish thought.

Perhaps his thoughts had been so childish …all along.


End file.
